Dear Carolyn: Five years ago I started what would become a three-year relationship with a man who I now recognize was extremely controlling and emotionally abusive (and, once, physically abusive). He finally stopped calling two years ago.
Fifteen months ago, I started dating the wonderful, caring, supportive man who recently became my fiance. I couldnt be more thrilled.
Six months ago, ex emails me to say hes changed, life is good, etc. I responded that I was happy for him and was dating a great guy.
Today he emails again and says perhaps he was too subtle before, but hes changed and wants to be with me. He proceeds to list 11 reasons I should take him back.
My question is how to respond. Hes been pining away for almost three years and has apparently made big changes in his life in the hope of winning me back. If I let him down harshly, he might backslide and think all his hard work was for nothing.
Clearly, this isnt technically my problem anymore, but is it so wrong for me to want him to have a nice life that doesnt involve me? Aargh
Dear Aargh: If he did it all for you, then his hard work really was for nothing.
That didnt come out right, did it.
If the point of his transformation was to please, persuade or win you back, then what happens when youre his again, and his incentive to be different is gone?
For him to change, for the better and for good, HE had to want to stop being abusive. Not for your approval; for himself.
Maybe he did, maybe he didnt. Given his impressive job of finding all your old guilt spots, Im willing to guess he didnt.
But why guess when these are your facts: You love someone else. You do not want this man back.
If he really has changed, then he can handle your rejection.
If he cant handle your rejection, then he really hasnt changed.
These facts are telling you to respond in whatever way gets your point across not as you think he might need you to respond given his fragile emotional state, delicate constitution and/or insufficient proximity to a sturdy fainting couch. I am not interested in getting back together is ample response. Dont respond if he pushes back.
Dear Carolyn: I am the parent of a high schooler who has a wonderful, solid boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. They spend all their time with each other.
They will soon be going off to different colleges far apart from each other, not intentionally. They swear they will keep the relationship going long-distance. I say they need to move on and concentrate on their studies and enjoy college life. I dont want either of them glued to the phone every night.
